May 19, 2015, 11:37 p.m.
After leading a long and arduous M&A sprint for my father’s fracking conglomerate, I’m finally taking a much deserved sabbatical starting this Saturday. I tasked my butler with arranging my travel itinerary to Surrey. The idiot goes and buys a coach ticket, both ways. He’s been fired, evicted, and replaced, but what am I supposed to do with this ticket? First-class is full on all flights. I’m not swine. I’m a Chadwick!
April 29, 2015, 10:17 p.m.
So I’m making an appearance at the funeral of my best bro Devin’s great auntie Claudia. Me and D-Liberate hugged it out and cried a little, but as I walked away he said, “Hey, wish Tanya a happy birthday for me.” Damn, forgot it’s my girl’s 24th. Dinner’s at her place in ten minutes. I’ve got no gift and $13 cash, and a card with a black-and-white picture of some creek below an old tree that has “Sorry for your loss” printed on the inside. She said I can forget five birthdays during the life of our relationship, then it’s splitsville. I hit the limit 365 days ago. I don’t want to lose her!
April 23, 2015, 11:15 p.m.
I’m not a good-looking person. Neither is my wife. To put things bluntly, we’re both exceptionally ugly. In high school, I was voted “Least Likely to Continue their Family Name” and my wife was voted “Most Physically Unattractive Person with Nothing Particularly Wrong with them.” Despite pleas from our neighbors and OB/GYN to not reproduce, we recently had a healthy baby boy. We posted photos to Facebook. The comments online have been scathing. I can’t even bring myself to type the things said about little Geno’s appearance. He’ll grow up one day to read these horrible things. What to do?